The Journey Through Loss: Understanding the Five Stages of Grief

7 August 2025 content editor Mental health, You Comments Off on The Journey Through Loss: Understanding the Five Stages of Grief

Grief is perhaps one of the most profoundly human experiences we will ever endure, a complex and often overwhelming cascade of emotions that can leave us feeling untethered and lost. We tend to associate it with the death of a loved one, but grief is far more encompassing, arising from any significant loss—the end of a relationship, the loss of a job, a major health diagnosis, or even the fading of a cherished dream or friendship. It’s a universal state, yet our individual paths through it are as unique as our fingerprints. In a world that often pressures us to “just get over it,” understanding the landscape of grief is not about finding a quick fix, but about learning to navigate a difficult, often winding, road.

This is where the pioneering work of Swiss-American psychiatrist Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross enters the conversation. In her 1969 book, On Death and Dying, she introduced a now-iconic framework that outlined five common stages of grief. It’s crucial to understand that her model was not designed as a prescriptive checklist for the bereaved. Instead, it was based on her work with terminally ill patients, offering a way to understand their psychological journey towards the end of life. Over time, it was adapted and adopted as a language for the grieving process itself. This isn’t a linear journey where you tick off one stage and move neatly to the next; it’s a messy, cyclical, and deeply personal experience. You might bounce between stages, revisit one after you thought you had moved on, or skip some altogether. The true value of the model lies not in its order, but in its ability to normalise the tumultuous, often contradictory emotions we feel. It offers a framework, a compass of sorts, to help us identify and make sense of our feelings, allowing us to practise self-compassion and move through our pain in a more mindful way.

In a society where we are often encouraged to suppress our emotions, Kübler-Ross’s stages give us permission to feel. They validate the whirlwind of disbelief, the surge of anger, the quiet desperation of bargaining, the profound sadness of depression, and the eventual, hard-won peace of acceptance. Viewing grief through this lens allows us to stop judging ourselves for how we feel and instead, recognise our emotions as natural responses to an unnatural situation. By understanding that we’re not alone in these feelings, we can begin to practise kindness towards ourselves and others who are grieving. This framework becomes less of a clinical analysis and more of a human guide, offering a gentle structure to an experience that often feels entirely without one. It is a tool for self-awareness, helping us to realise that our feelings, however overwhelming, are a part of a larger, shared, human story of loss and healing.

The First Stage: When Reality Feels Impossible

The moment of loss can be so shattering that our minds, in a natural act of self-preservation, simply cannot process the full impact of the news. This is the stage of denial. It’s not necessarily a conscious refusal to believe what has happened, but rather a state of shock and disbelief that acts as a buffer against overwhelming pain. You might find yourself thinking, “This can’t be real,” or “They’re not actually gone.” It’s a temporary refuge from reality, giving you time to slowly absorb the magnitude of your loss. This coping mechanism allows the grief to enter in manageable doses, preventing you from being completely undone by the emotional force. In this stage, you may feel numb, distant, or even go about your daily routine as if nothing has changed. It’s an essential part of the process, a period of grace that allows your psyche to gather its strength before the harder work of grieving begins.

This initial phase is a psychological cushion. It’s often accompanied by a sense of unreality, as if you’re watching a movie rather than living your own life. It gives you a moment to breathe before the full weight of the loss settles in. While it may feel strange or even wrong to not be feeling the full force of sorrow, this is a completely normal response. Recognising this stage allows you to be patient with yourself and not to force emotions that aren’t ready to emerge. It’s the mind’s way of saying, “Let’s take a moment. We’ll get to the rest later.”

The Raw Emotion: The Fury of ‘Why Me?’

When the numbness of denial begins to wear off, the pain that was once held at bay can surface with a furious intensity. This is the stage of anger. It’s a raw, powerful, and often confusing emotion that can feel disproportionate and unfair. This anger can be directed at anyone or anything: the doctors who couldn’t save them, friends and family who seem to be moving on too quickly, a higher power for allowing it to happen, or even the person who has passed away for leaving you. You might find yourself questioning the justice of the world, shouting, “Why me?” or “This isn’t fair!” This anger is a vital part of grief; it’s an active response to the feeling of powerlessness, and it can be a sign that you are beginning to connect with the full depth of your pain.

For many, this stage can be incredibly uncomfortable. We are often taught to suppress anger, but in the context of grief, it is a necessary and natural outlet for immense suffering. Bottling it up can be harmful, so finding healthy ways to express this anger is key. This could be through physical activity, journaling, or talking to a trusted friend or therapist. The anger is not the problem; it’s a symptom of the pain beneath. By allowing yourself to feel it without judgement, you begin to honour the intensity of what you’ve lost and give yourself a path to move through it.

The Desperate Hope: If Onlys’ and Secret Promises

As the intensity of anger subsides, a quieter, yet equally powerful, stage often emerges: bargaining. This is the mind’s desperate attempt to regain control in a situation where you have none. It’s a period filled with “what if” scenarios and secret negotiations with a higher power or with fate itself. You might find yourself thinking, “If only I had spent more time with them,” or “If I promise to be a better person, will things go back to how they were?” This stage is often fuelled by a profound sense of guilt and a longing to turn back the clock. It’s an internal, private dialogue, where you imagine ways to undo the loss and restore the world to its former order.

Bargaining is a stage born of helplessness, a last-ditch effort to postpone the inevitable reality of the loss. It can be a very lonely phase, as these thoughts are often kept private, tinged with a mix of guilt and desperate hope. It’s a powerful testament to the heart’s inability to accept the finality of a situation. While the promises and negotiations are ultimately futile, this stage serves a purpose: it provides a temporary escape from the pain and allows the person grieving to hold on to a shred of hope, however small, as they prepare to face the truth. It is a bridge between the shock of denial and the profound sadness that is yet to come.

The Deep Descent: A Heavy Silence

Following the desperate attempts of bargaining, the full weight of the loss can finally settle in, leading to the stage of depression. It’s important to distinguish this from clinical depression; while the symptoms may be similar, this is a natural and necessary period of profound sadness and mourning. This is the stage where the fantasy of reversing the loss fades, and the reality of its permanence becomes unavoidable. You may feel a deep sense of emptiness, fatigue, and overwhelming sadness. You might withdraw from social contact, finding it difficult to engage in activities you once enjoyed. This period of quiet grief is a crucial time for healing.

During this stage, the world can seem dull and colourless. The profound sadness is not a sign of weakness; it is a sign that you are truly feeling the loss. It is the time for reflection, for acknowledging the full magnitude of what has been lost, and for beginning to let go. This period can be frightening, and the urge to “snap out of it” can be strong. However, rushing this stage can be counterproductive. It’s a time to honour your feelings, to seek solace, and to allow yourself the space and time to mourn. This quiet descent is often a necessary precursor to finding a way to move forward.

The New Beginning: Finding Peace, Not Forgetting

The final stage in Kübler-Ross’s model is acceptance. It’s a commonly misunderstood term. Acceptance does not mean that you are “cured” of your grief, that you are suddenly happy about the loss, or that you have forgotten the person or thing you have lost. Instead, it signifies a point of adjustment and resolution. This is the stage where you begin to come to terms with the new reality of your life without what you have lost. You’ve accepted the reality of the situation and are finding a way to move forward, incorporating the memory of the loss into your life without it consuming you. It’s a shift from resisting the new reality to learning how to live within it.

In acceptance, the sharp, raw pain of the initial stages begins to soften. The sadness may never completely disappear, but it becomes less intense and less constant. You start to re-engage with life, finding joy in new experiences and routines. It’s about building a new future while honouring the past. This stage often involves a sense of peace and a quiet strength. It is the realisation that while the loss has changed you forever, it does not have to define you entirely. The memory of what was lost becomes a part of who you are, a source of love, remembrance or a driver to spur you on to new heights – rather than a constant source of pain.

Grief’s Meandering Path: A Compass for the Heart

The five stages of grief, as we’ve explored them, are not a rigid sequence to be followed, but a flexible and compassionate framework. They provide a vital language for the often-unspoken chaos of loss, helping us to recognise and validate the myriad emotions that accompany it. We can find ourselves in denial one moment, furious the next, or plunged into a deep sadness seemingly without warning. The true value of these stages, therefore, lies not in its predictability, but in its ability to normalise our experience. By understanding these stages, we can practise a greater degree of self-awareness and self-compassion, realising that our feelings are not a sign of failure but a testament to the depth of our love and connection.

Ultimately, grief is a testament to the fact that we have loved. It is a long, winding, and sometimes lonely path, but it is not a journey we must take in silence. The stages offer a kind of map, a reminder that the wild swings of emotion are a part of a larger, healing process. Acceptance is not an endpoint where the pain vanishes, but a turning point where we find a way to carry our loss with grace and strength. It’s about finding a new sense of peace, one that allows us to cherish our memories while embracing the potential for joy and connection in the life that remains.

Facts

  • The origin of the model: Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross originally developed the five stages of grief to describe the psychological process of terminally ill patients coming to terms with their own mortality, not for those who were grieving the loss of others.
  • Physical manifestations of grief: Grief is not just an emotional process; it can also have profound physical effects, including fatigue, headaches, body aches, stomach problems, and changes in appetite and sleep patterns.
  • The stages are not linear: It is a common misconception that people move through the stages in a neat, sequential order. The reality is that a person can experience them in any order, revisit stages, or even skip some entirely.
  • Grief is more than death: Kübler-Ross’s model has been widely applied to other significant losses, such as divorce, job loss, and the diagnosis of a serious illness, highlighting the universal nature of the grieving process.
  • Criticism of the model: Despite its popularity, the model has faced criticism for a lack of empirical evidence and for being misused as a rigid set of instructions, which can make people feel they are grieving “incorrectly.”

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